There are times when all is crumbling around you!

There is a sense that everything is going downhill and that you just can’t get your s*!t together. No matter how you try to create, to shift, to change something, to adjust, to embark on a ‘new path’, nothing seems to work. A feeling of giving up, what’s the use, who cares and probably many more thoughts that aren’t fit to mention pass through your head. At least there have been those moments in my life… and I am sure I am not the only one. 😉

This is one of my crumbling moments. One of the crumbling moments that solidified my path towards Trust.

I was three months behind rent with my 18-year-old in high school living with me. I was not sure how I was going to continue to pay for simple basics and here was the end of the third unpaid month upon my shoulders with no rent money in sight. Life was hard and it was becoming harder by the day. My mind was taking over and it wasn’t a positive take-over.

“How did I get here? What am I doing? I am not a great parent, and I don’t know what will happen to me and my daughter if I don’t get the money.” and much more.

And then, it happened. I got the call. The call that I was dreading. In my mind I pictured it as a letter, maybe an email, a moment when I would read “You have to pay your rent, or you will be evicted.”

It was a Friday afternoon, the 30th of the month in 2019, my landlord called and said “If you can’t come up with one month’s rent by tomorrow noon, we will have to evict you from the apartment. He was not angry simply matter-of-fact about it, as he needed to also secure his income and, well, we did have a contract. I also did not react or get angry or beg. I just knew this moment was inevitable and that 3 months was already an extended period of time to have their tenant not pay rent so I simply said “I understand. I will see what I can do”.

The truth was, I did not know what I was going to do. I had no one to turn to, my support systems and resources were great emotional supports, but my financial support was nil. I was working paycheck to paycheck and did not know how to bring in more; I did not know where to turn. I processed and thought the rest of the afternoon and came to the conclusion that I probably was going to sleep in my vehicle with my daughter by Sunday evening.

My mental and emotional brain was frantically using all kinds of energy to figure out how I was going to do such a thing. My body, heart and soul were at their last moments of cohesiveness, and I was feeling so much pressure and inviting that dreaded word “failure” into my existence.

I was home alone and early that evening I was in my bedroom, thinking and trying to figure out something by the next day but I kept getting to dead ends.

Through all these things happening; not enough money, low self-worth and the figuring-out of what was possible since the separation, one thing that I had been doing was following my heart to the best of my ability. I was working in my career field as a teacher and continued to do some inner work (breathing, meditation etc…). This was the stuff that would keep me sane (until the moments where it didn’t) but I would always nudge myself to come back to it when I lost that flow.

That Friday night, I was home, in my bedroom and I started crying and let myself big cry, I let go, I released the flood gates as I sat on my bed. Suddenly, I heard the word

TRUST pretty much yelled out at me from somewhere out there in the Universe.

It definitely wasn’t coming from my frantic brain. It stopped my in my crazy thought pattern and got my attention.

I flung back on my bed and said out loud through the crying “ok… I hear you, I just don’t know how or what to do”. I took a breath in and let the word sync in. I then I brought myself back together and focused on being grounded and in the moment. This is absolutely easier said than done, but I managed to come back to a calmer space and sit with the word TRUST.

I then went to bed and yes, I was able to sleep. At the time my thought process was, it does not serve me to not sleep and there is nothing I can do about my situation in the middle of the night, so if I fall asleep at least I will be able to function better in the day. It was my way of helping my brain shut down at night.

The next morning, I woke up, took some time for me, with my breath and meditation and asked the Universe to guide me to my next destination. I had no idea where I would go, but I did know that whatever was meant to be would be.

At 11am, I received a phone call, and I was not sure what the outcome of this call would be. When I picked up the phone, the one question that this person asked was “Do you need help with rent this month? and I just about lost it. I said yes, I do. A side note here to those reading; when someone offers help, it is ok to say yes. Our pride can sometimes hinder our flow and prevent what is coming to us to reach us. We live with a tremendous amount of guilt, or shame or other emotions that, for whatever reasons, get in the way of receiving help. If this is you, I would invite you to connect with the parts of you that hinder the process of you receiving because as women, that is a super-power that we easily put off to the side. More on that in another blog.

Back to this guardian angel, who has been there through a lot of my journey since 2018, here he was, out of the blue, showing up again. He paid for one month’s rent, and we were able to stay in the apartment (which I still am in to this day). From that point on, the next month, I was able to pay rent and within the next few months, bit by bit, I was able to pay the past due rent and get all caught up.

This was a huge lesson in trust for me. Since then, I have literally changed much of the way I flow in life. I trust myself so much more, I know the Universe has my back and even in the moments of chaos (as there were many more after that), I know there is good to come. Surrendering to trust, to the Universe, to what I have no control over is now an everyday way of life.

Trusting all parts of me, the good, cute and not so cute, trusting my body, trusting those around me and trusting the Universe have been a profound evolution in my life. I am in a place of peace most moments of my life and when chaos and turbulence shows their heads I bow to the lessons and continue surrendering and trusting. This is what I absolutely wish for all.